First let me say this is not a decision I have reached lightly, nor without great turmoil; it has taken me a considerable effort to reach this decision. If you don’t want to read further into this (but I’d suggest you do); the short version is that I am resigning from all AhoyWorld administrative responsibilities with immediate effect.
There have been many great times spent on this server for me, at this point I easily have 1000+ hours of Arma 3 invested with AhoyWorld. I remember the days when I first came to the server, fresh out of a milsim unit, and looking for something just as serious, but more chilled out. EU3, as it was then, was just what I wanted. Back in what I can only describe as it’s heyday back then, 3 was one of the best environments to game in; full of fun, approachable and ultimately very caring people. You had a laugh, but you got the job done while you were at it - you would fight tooth and nail for your team-mates.
In contrast: if I were to compare this to the current environment of AWE, I find myself reaching a stark conclusion - it is nothing close to that now. The AWE we all know now is not one true to the original spirit of EU3.
Not being of the original spirit of EU3 is a crucial issue to me; for now over a year I have been part of the team at the top of AWE. We came into being at a time of great uncertainty for EU3. We worked hard, extremely hard to arrest the freefall the community was facing at that time - and we did just that. In the short term we even enabled the server to prosper - player numbers went up. We managed to start rebuilding. But something went awry along the path, it has led us to the place we find ourselves now. A server where everything has been done with the best intentions, done for the right reasons, but not yielded the right results.
I set myself the personal goal of redeveloping EU3, making it into something better than what it had been before steering committee came to be. I wanted, and still do, to leave AWE in a position of strength, a position much better than the one it had been in. I have come to the realisation that this is something I have ultimately failed to achieve. And I hold myself personally accountable for that, for right or for wrong, for better or for worse. I have reached a point in life where I feel I have given everything there is for me to give to AW. Every time we have reached a milestone with AWE, I have known that we can do better, do more. This is perhaps why my goal has proven so elusive. However, the will to push forward, to do more and be more is no longer with me. I find myself more going through the motions, than actively driving myself to do better. I have lost the motivation to continue to fight forward. I must confess that I have been carrying on for some time knowing I perhaps needed a break, but I’m a give it your all, or not at all type of guy. I tried to take some time off during a holiday in the summer; it didn’t go well. Let’s just say there was a heated discussion amongst the staff team. Ultimately I felt that I had to do my part, step up to the plate as part of the team. That stopped me from taking the time away I probably needed to. It speaks to a larger issue within the staff team at AhoyWorld; but I’ll come to that further in.
Amentes made me aware of sunk cost fallacy, and this pretty much describes my feelings towards the situation I find myself in, perfectly. I have poured my heart and soul into AW, often to the detriment of other things in my life - but that’s the type of person I am, and I make no apologies for that. It is this total commitment, and the ultimately unattainable goal that I believe has left me in the position of carrying on now, for only the reason I have put so much into AW. That’s not something that is healthy, it is not something I should be doing to myself. It is not something I can continue to do any longer. The stress and weight of the responsibility that I hold is not something I can continue on with; not because of the expectations of others, but because of my own. Without some things seriously changing I cannot continue to give my all, give what I feel you, the community, deserve. And to me, that is not on.
If AWE were to be taken in a new, renewed direction; then I would most definitely wish to continue to fight on. I feel that if we were to return to some of the original beliefs of EU3 then we could, and would, progress forward. I am afraid that nothing will change without a radical shift in thinking though, and this is perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back. Coming to the realisation, that no matter how hard I push, some things will just not happen.
As for the staff team; there are elements of it that just don’t work at the moment. It is in a position of turmoil, where there is very little cohesion, and many divisions. I shall not name names, because that is not something I should do. However, I do believe in honesty and transparency, and so you, the community, should know about it. Those wishing to join the team should be critically aware of what they are getting into. I mean this with no malice, but instead a fundamental respect for those people who wish to step up, and do what is necessary.
I would like to pay homage to those past and present who have put every effort into EU3, now AWE; thank them for everything they have done. I would also like to say thanks in advance for everything that those who will follow me do. Without the dedication of so many people AWE would not be where it is now, and it will not go where it may go either.
In the end I hold myself personally accountable for failings here at AW. Because I know I should do better, but I can’t, not right now, and I don’t know if I will be able to again.
I promise you this, I will do my best to stay around AW as a regular player, to push for change as a regular player. I care deeply for this community, and writing this has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long, long time. I’ve had to stop 3 times now - and I confess, every time has been because I have teared up pretty badly. I suppose, I should probably finish this off with an apology.
I am truly very sorry for not doing better by you AhoyWorld.
Best Regards and Goodbye,